Yup - It has been a year

It has been a year and I successfully lost 40 lbs by the end of May and have unsuccesfully kept it off. I have gained 20 lbs back and know that I must get back on the road of addressing my battle with food and realizing that it will never be fixed!

My goal for this week is to read back through all my old posts. Get out my books on healthy eating (healthy mind, body and soul) and start the journey again.

Here is to a successful journey, one that never ends.

Starting a Love Affair

Chapter 5 - "Starting a Love Affair With Food"

I read this chapter right after the last time I blogged. I just have not blogged about it - I am enjoying the refresher I am getting by reading the passages that I have underlined.

An obsessive relationship is not love, it is the dance of the wounded....

Why does one, including me become obsessed with food? As discussed in previous chapters it is fear, it is to bury the things we do not want to deal with. Fear has become more and more noticeable in my life. As I feel fear I try and deal with it. Some things are rather silly when you speak them out loud to someone else but it is your fear(s) none-the-less.

"Pain and compulsion and self hate are not love"

As I paraphrase the following part of the book - I note that with the healthy way of eating that I am practicing that most times I can savor food but find my self consuming it rapidly when stress is high or I am not paying attention to what I am doing.

"The true lover of food is able to take time with it and savor it..... She can eat without guilt and stop without effort."

The next part reflects the first part of this blog.Food is not your only problem, it is also your teacher. It is a reflection of an even deeper problem, an opportunity and an invitation to face that which underlies your compulsive eating. YOUR ONLY REAL PROBLEM.... IS A SEPARATION FROM DIVINE MIND".

"Every step taken with love in mind is a step back to who you really are"

Before I go on I want to mention that I have lost 17 1/2 lbs since Jan 4th 2011. Today I was glancing at my body and saw a saggy, fat ridden body that I absolutely HATE. I know I have 50 more lbs to go and I am very impatient - it is hard for me to wait the days, weeks and months that it will take me to loose it. So... I read this next part and I know it is just what I need at this time.

"Impatience is nothing but the fear-mind trying to convince you it's hopeless and therefore you shouldn't even try. It is also the voice that tells you to eat the next bite before you've even finished the last one, so remember that voice is not your friend."

The assignment for this chpt is that I am to utilize the pretty dishes and to make eating a beautiful, peaceful setting. One where I would relax - take my time and enjoy my food. I have done that (not as often as I should) and note that I eat a lot slower. I am usually looking at a book or something because I am to impatient to sit there and eat without no one to talk to (I eat at different times than my husband and son) so I find reading something uplifting helps. When I do not do that I do find that I have to concentrate a lot harder to eat slow. With the diet I am on sometimes I am just not hungry so it is hard to sit and eat a meal with fancy plates etc.

One more thing about quick eating -

"Quick eating is a dangerous trigger for the compulsive over eater. it triggers more quick eating, and quick eating means more food.... by slowing down certain aspects of your life, you'll become a slower eater."

Create a sacred ritual of eating slowly - create the atmosphere with fancy table cloth, napkin, dishes, glass, candle. Set the table and invite God to be with you.

My goal is to set the table, as this chapter suggests, more often and always remember to invite God. I can also make it a time when I have my personal devotions and interact with Him.

Why so long?

I have not blogged for awhile as you can tell. Main reason is that I have been battling my depression or rather it has been battling me and beating me to a pulp. I feel part of the reason is that I have not been able to use my drug of choice - food/carbs - to help decrease the depression. The reason is that I am eating very few carbs. Lots of raw veggies, protein and a few carbs in the form of fruit - some in "Carb Master" yogurt but none comes from bread, rice, beans, cereal, crackers, etc

After reading some of my previous blogs and having them sound so negative I didn't want to make this blog sound that way also.

Anti depressant medications have been changed and are kicking in. I am having an easier time without my carbs but still dream about eating them :-)

Without my carbs it is interesting to discover in an even more detailed manner, all the things that cause me to be drawn towards eating. The good old stand by causes are stress, fear, disappointment, anger, and so and and so forth. Avoidance of confrontation is also a big one. The longing for "something else" is another. "Something else" can be a monetary item, a job etc. Most often it happens when I do not spend enough time with the Lord.

I will have to look back at my previous blogs to see what chapter I was on and begin to blog again tomorrow.

Gaither Vocal Band - Let Freedom Ring

The Surprise Ending to Chpt 4 - Freedom

These lyrics tell it how it is - accept freedom, your way has been paid - I did

Deep within the heart has always known that there was freedom
Somehow breathed into the very soul alive
The prisoner, the powerless, the saved have always known it
There's something that keeps reaching for the sky

Even life begins because a baby fights for freedom
And songs we love to sing have freedom's theme
Some have walked through fire and flood to find a place of freedom
And some faced hell itself for freedom's dream

Let freedom ring wherever minds know what it means to be in chains
Let freedom ring wherever hearts know pain
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
We can be free and we can sing --- let freedom ring

God built freedom into every fiber of creation
And He meant for us to all be free and whole
When my Lord bought freedom with the blood of His redemption
His cross stamped pardon on my very soul

I'll sing it out with every breath, I'll let the whole world hear it
This hallelujah anthem of the free
That iron bars and heavy chains can never hold us captive
The Son has made us free and free indeed

Let freedom ring down through the ages from a hill called Calvary
Let freedom ring wherever hearts know pain
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
You can be free and you can sing let freedom ring
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
You can be free and you can sing let freedom ring
You can be free and you can sing --- let freedom ring --- let freedom ring

Beauty and the Beast

I will go straight to the book and then create a new title for the newest food experience in my life.

Chapter 4 ~ "Invoke the Real You"

This is indeed a touchy chapter, digging where it hurts, acknowledging past pains, past mistakes, past non memories, and the possibility of - did he or was it him or maybe him?

• I have 2 sets of eyes - 1 physical and 1 spiritual
• spiritual sees beyond appearances
• by seeing you invoke
• instead of allowing appearances to determine what is real you can decide what you think is real

Now for the big header, "The real you is neither skinny or fat" SAY WHAT? Had to read that one over again. If I am neither fat nor thin why did I have to write letters to myself? That was a bitter "mail" correspondence. I am not sure skinny me nor fat me has recovered yet from the thrashing.

The next part is kinda funky compared to the way my mind thinks. Not saying it is wrong just saying.... funky.

"The real you is a spirit, a energy... an idea in the Mind of God. As you align more and more with this truth of your being, this higher reality will permeate your life. The more you identify the light of your being, the lighter you will feel."

I begin to relate to the next part

"Fear literally weighs you down, but love enlightens you. ANY subject, energy, circumstances, thought, feeling, interpretation, perspective, goal, substance, or relationship that fosters FEAR in you is something that feeds your compulsion. The question is: WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

So in my brain I quickly went through the fears I live with every day:

• Failure
• Making spouse upset enough to start digging into my feelings
• Not pleasing spouse
• Not knowing something I should know at work
• Looking incompetent in the coordinator position I hold
• Looking fat
• Looking old

THEN comes the nail biter - the subject I shy away from, the sins of my past, the hatred towards someone, the anger, the questions

"For many people, compulsive eating is tied to a fear of sex and of being sexy. In particular, the number of women whose excess weight can be almost directly traced to sexual abuse is significant. When I was beautiful, I was molested Or, when I was beautiful I was raped, Or when I was beautiful I didn't know how to handle sexual attention. Such thoughts run rampant through the minds of many who are over weight, men as well as women."

So - my thoughts on the above. Not sure how to write them out. I know I will journal them in my "secret code" so if it is found no one will know the stories and feelings I just regurgitated.

Is there fear - yes BUT when one is old and fat they are not sexy. I am 48, fat, gray hairs showing, wrinkles showing, the stress of the last year (in which I have gained most of my weight back) written in the creases of my face.

Molested - yes

Raped - yes (this one is NEVER talked about nor does anyone know)

Affairs - yes

With the above said - well, what can I say but just hang my head in shame and hold on to my faith that God is merciful to sinners and that I am not my sin, I am God's daughter.

"If the idea of being skinny frightens you, there is no point in trying to get rid of what your subconscious mind has created as your security blanket. For subconsciously, you will not let it go... If these dark shadows of sexuality lurk behind your fear of being thin, then the way to disperse those shadows is not to deny your sexuality, but to purify it of error. Sometimes that means forgiving someone else, and sometimes it means forgiving yourself."

Forgiveness... I say I have but have I? Have I forgiven them, myself. I know I have been forgiven by God but have I truly accepted his forgiveness.

My mind is spinning - thoughts are flowing, tears are being held back so I do not have to explain anything. I will have to journal them all out and come back here and finish this chapter and set my goals to rid my body of this security. I want to eat all the carbs in the house so I do not have to feel - to remember. I will focus on Gods mercy instead.

Ditto

Ditto to December 24th