Why so long?

I have not blogged for awhile as you can tell. Main reason is that I have been battling my depression or rather it has been battling me and beating me to a pulp. I feel part of the reason is that I have not been able to use my drug of choice - food/carbs - to help decrease the depression. The reason is that I am eating very few carbs. Lots of raw veggies, protein and a few carbs in the form of fruit - some in "Carb Master" yogurt but none comes from bread, rice, beans, cereal, crackers, etc

After reading some of my previous blogs and having them sound so negative I didn't want to make this blog sound that way also.

Anti depressant medications have been changed and are kicking in. I am having an easier time without my carbs but still dream about eating them :-)

Without my carbs it is interesting to discover in an even more detailed manner, all the things that cause me to be drawn towards eating. The good old stand by causes are stress, fear, disappointment, anger, and so and and so forth. Avoidance of confrontation is also a big one. The longing for "something else" is another. "Something else" can be a monetary item, a job etc. Most often it happens when I do not spend enough time with the Lord.

I will have to look back at my previous blogs to see what chapter I was on and begin to blog again tomorrow.

Gaither Vocal Band - Let Freedom Ring

The Surprise Ending to Chpt 4 - Freedom

These lyrics tell it how it is - accept freedom, your way has been paid - I did

Deep within the heart has always known that there was freedom
Somehow breathed into the very soul alive
The prisoner, the powerless, the saved have always known it
There's something that keeps reaching for the sky

Even life begins because a baby fights for freedom
And songs we love to sing have freedom's theme
Some have walked through fire and flood to find a place of freedom
And some faced hell itself for freedom's dream

Let freedom ring wherever minds know what it means to be in chains
Let freedom ring wherever hearts know pain
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
We can be free and we can sing --- let freedom ring

God built freedom into every fiber of creation
And He meant for us to all be free and whole
When my Lord bought freedom with the blood of His redemption
His cross stamped pardon on my very soul

I'll sing it out with every breath, I'll let the whole world hear it
This hallelujah anthem of the free
That iron bars and heavy chains can never hold us captive
The Son has made us free and free indeed

Let freedom ring down through the ages from a hill called Calvary
Let freedom ring wherever hearts know pain
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
You can be free and you can sing let freedom ring
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
You can be free and you can sing let freedom ring
You can be free and you can sing --- let freedom ring --- let freedom ring

Beauty and the Beast

I will go straight to the book and then create a new title for the newest food experience in my life.

Chapter 4 ~ "Invoke the Real You"

This is indeed a touchy chapter, digging where it hurts, acknowledging past pains, past mistakes, past non memories, and the possibility of - did he or was it him or maybe him?

• I have 2 sets of eyes - 1 physical and 1 spiritual
• spiritual sees beyond appearances
• by seeing you invoke
• instead of allowing appearances to determine what is real you can decide what you think is real

Now for the big header, "The real you is neither skinny or fat" SAY WHAT? Had to read that one over again. If I am neither fat nor thin why did I have to write letters to myself? That was a bitter "mail" correspondence. I am not sure skinny me nor fat me has recovered yet from the thrashing.

The next part is kinda funky compared to the way my mind thinks. Not saying it is wrong just saying.... funky.

"The real you is a spirit, a energy... an idea in the Mind of God. As you align more and more with this truth of your being, this higher reality will permeate your life. The more you identify the light of your being, the lighter you will feel."

I begin to relate to the next part

"Fear literally weighs you down, but love enlightens you. ANY subject, energy, circumstances, thought, feeling, interpretation, perspective, goal, substance, or relationship that fosters FEAR in you is something that feeds your compulsion. The question is: WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

So in my brain I quickly went through the fears I live with every day:

• Failure
• Making spouse upset enough to start digging into my feelings
• Not pleasing spouse
• Not knowing something I should know at work
• Looking incompetent in the coordinator position I hold
• Looking fat
• Looking old

THEN comes the nail biter - the subject I shy away from, the sins of my past, the hatred towards someone, the anger, the questions

"For many people, compulsive eating is tied to a fear of sex and of being sexy. In particular, the number of women whose excess weight can be almost directly traced to sexual abuse is significant. When I was beautiful, I was molested Or, when I was beautiful I was raped, Or when I was beautiful I didn't know how to handle sexual attention. Such thoughts run rampant through the minds of many who are over weight, men as well as women."

So - my thoughts on the above. Not sure how to write them out. I know I will journal them in my "secret code" so if it is found no one will know the stories and feelings I just regurgitated.

Is there fear - yes BUT when one is old and fat they are not sexy. I am 48, fat, gray hairs showing, wrinkles showing, the stress of the last year (in which I have gained most of my weight back) written in the creases of my face.

Molested - yes

Raped - yes (this one is NEVER talked about nor does anyone know)

Affairs - yes

With the above said - well, what can I say but just hang my head in shame and hold on to my faith that God is merciful to sinners and that I am not my sin, I am God's daughter.

"If the idea of being skinny frightens you, there is no point in trying to get rid of what your subconscious mind has created as your security blanket. For subconsciously, you will not let it go... If these dark shadows of sexuality lurk behind your fear of being thin, then the way to disperse those shadows is not to deny your sexuality, but to purify it of error. Sometimes that means forgiving someone else, and sometimes it means forgiving yourself."

Forgiveness... I say I have but have I? Have I forgiven them, myself. I know I have been forgiven by God but have I truly accepted his forgiveness.

My mind is spinning - thoughts are flowing, tears are being held back so I do not have to explain anything. I will have to journal them all out and come back here and finish this chapter and set my goals to rid my body of this security. I want to eat all the carbs in the house so I do not have to feel - to remember. I will focus on Gods mercy instead.

Ditto

Ditto to December 24th