What???

I just reread some of my last blog and I wanted to say, "What a crock of.... cheese, wine, chocolate... Oh wait, I was in the process of swearing not thinking about the upcoming $!@#*%!% appointment with the nutritionist and soon (1/5/11 to be exact) not being able to eat whatever the hell (pretend I said heck if you need to) I want.

So, I think I need to regroup (what gave me that $!*#^%* clue?) and re read all the underlined sentences and re read my journal while I eat left over rum cake and sip my latte. OK, if you are going to insist, I will sip V-8 juice spiked with Tabasco sauce, green olives and a celery stick.

On the serious side. I do need to regroup, get my head back in the game and not fear 1/5/11. Why should I fear what will make me healthy, what will give me the energy that comes with being fit and will allow me to fit back in my clothes?

Why would I fear changing what draws me away from my relationship with the good Lord? Why would I fear something that will take away the self hatred that stays with me every second of every day? There is no reason to! I need to let the Lord knock the barriers down that prevent me from becoming successful. I am so thankful He understands who I am and He loves me anyway.

Oh yes

~Happy New Year~

Love the word "New" it gives one hope.

Cheers!

Chapter 3 - continued

I finished reading and underlining parts of Chapter 3 that I felt pertinent. This chapter has invoked a lot of feelings.

I will bullet some of the sentences I underlined:

• What is your (my) barrier?
• Do you (I) sabotage your (my) efforts? If so why?
• When you start down a successful path what barrier springs up to block your path.
• The barrier itself is the root of your (my) problem
• Your (my) deepest desire is not for food but for the experience of home and a desire for love
• Every moment of unconscious eating is a moment when you are starving from a lack of healthy self-love and struggling to find it elsewhere
• We are to receive our true nourishment from the Divine
• Do you(I) have more faith in the power of your(my) problem or in the power of a miracle to solve it
• The Creator can not be left out of your thinking
• In over eating fear has found in you(me) a perversely comfortable home and it will not move out of it's lair so easily
• Fear is a psychic tyrant that has no intention of letting its slave go free
• NOTHING - not your best intention, your will power, or your self-discipline - has the power to overrule its (fears) authority. ONLY God does
• Fear all ready has it altar
• Establish an altar for love

The assignment given for this chapter is to create an "alter" for love. A corner where you can sit and read this book, your Bible, or other books that will draw you closer to Him. It should help fortify loves power in your (my) mind

The KEY to right living is a text found in the Bible. "Love the Lord with all thy heart and all thy might."

On any given day when you feel a trigger, when you are deeply drawn to the ritualistic dance of self-hatred that is overeating, you will have more power to resist if on that day you have already prayed and given thanks to God.

Once my "altar" is set up I will take a picture, describe it and share what I have gained from it.

There is so much more in this chapter as it was a long one. I will have to go back and reread it and look at my written journal and try to absorb even more.

One thing that I use to love to do was cook. I quit cooking as I was afraid of the food. Afraid I would eat too much. I have started to cook again. My Christmas cooking was laden with sugar and fat but that will change after the end of this coming week. I am excited to try out low fat vegan recipes as I have found a web site that has a lot of delicious recipes, which if you have ever tasted bad, bland vegan cooking you would know that cooking it just right is important.

This evenings blog is rather boring as I am tired. I hope the next one isn't so boring.

Healing? Interesting...

Chapter 3. Yup I am only on #3 - hey, this is a lot to absorb, at least for me. Not only do I have to change my eating habits but my thought patterns. Thought patterns are the hardest I think ~ at least for this fat chick (see.... wrong thought right there!!)

OK - back to the chapter. The title is "Building Your Altar" First thought after reading this title? "What funky thing is she (the author) going to have me do next." I am not sure if I mentioned that in Chapter 2 I had to write letters. I had to dig deep and find my "thin" self and talk to the person I hate the most in this WHOLE wide world, my fat ass self (see~ there it goes again... bad, negative thought!). Well "we" bantered back and forth lightly at first and then it got down right ugly, no bouncer was there to break up that fight! Well, come to think of it- there was too;the person who loves me the best when I am at my worst~ Jesus. Best bouncer ever when it comes to dealing with the demonic angel - Satan.

OK - back to Chapter 3 ~ One section I underlined says, "In healing your relationship to Him, you heal your relationship to yourself; and in healing your relationship to yourself, you heal your relationship to everything." God does do miracles, I sincerely believe that. She suggests to plant a mustard seed and let God's strength grow within. When I read that I remembered that often in Christian book stores you can get a necklace with a mustard seed in a little glass vial. I am going to do that and keep it on so I can remember that God wants to allow a miracle in my life~ I just need to quit tripping that miracle up (was that a negative thought? Not sure as it is a true statement).

Another part I underlined was, "Your freedom lies in accepting that which frightens you the most; that you are powerless to stop this problem, to fight it or to fix it.... you are tired of this war you have fought against yourself that part of you would rather die than go on" Well isn't that the truth!!! "SURRENDER the struggle now" If this is done - this surrender leads you straight into the arms of God.

So... just to let you know, the above statement will take me a while to learn. It is all about surrendering, and some days that might be every second.

What better place is there than in the arms of God?

A memory came to me while I was writing that statement (you tell me who it came from) I was at a very dark time in my life when all I wanted was to be loved, just the way I was and I wanted to be held. I had hid deep in my closet and I was crying out to God, weeping and screaming (into a pillow of course) I wanted to physically feel His arms around me as I so longed for touch.... no miraculous ending to this story... never felt Him.

She goes on to write, "You are now at one of the most important cross roads of your life, as a problem you have dealt with for a long time has reached a climax." I am going to paraphrase the next parts that I underlined. You have ended up smack dab in the middle of this festering wound that lies deep with in the soul (but wraps your body in layers of fat for the whole world to see, damn it! Uh oh, was that a negative thought AGAIN! Jeeze!) Our efforts are for nothing when confronted by demonic powers. We can not battle them alone. Our wound is more powerful than our conscious mind but God is more powerful than our wound and conscious mind.

Chapter 3 is a very awesome and strong chapter. I will have to reread several times and then I will write in my journal what has stuck in my brain and include what needs to stick in my brain and then share it in this blog.

One thought before I end for now. She mentions how we are not suppose to carry heavy burdens by ourselves but to be like children and walk lightly on this earth. A child will relax as they know that the adults surrounding them are attending to their needs. We are to be like these children and relax knowing that God is taking care of our needs BUT first we must surrender them over to Him and not keep a strong grip on them, thinking that we can do a better job. One thing she mentions that might make this extra difficult is if our needs were not met as a child then we will have a harder time releasing our issues to God because we do not trust that anyone other than ourselves will take care of us. She didn't say impossible just harder.

Shame, Discouragement, Failure

I fell off the wagon so to speak.... No I didn't binge, didn't purge.... I weighed myself. I haven't weighed myself for over a year. I knew the pounds were creeping up, I knew my clothes were fitting tighter, but until I saw the number on the scale.......

I have not picked up my Bible or the book (21 Spiritual Lessons) since.

What I did do was retreat back to my habitual, downward spiral of dark thoughts. The more I focus on how much I hate and despise my weakness the more I listen to the demons in my head. The demons take over, gloating that I have once again failed, shouting that I am worthless, agreeing and emphasizing that I can not and will not tolerate becoming the extremely over weight person that I once was.

I begun to crave, not chocolate but the sweet peace of death.

Now mind you I am VERY familiar with these thoughts. I have half heartily tried to kill myself many times over since I was 16 - I am now 48. I full heartily attempted twice. We won't get into the details but I totally believe that demons enter my soul when I crave death like one craves a cold glass of water on a scorching summer day.

I realize that my depression is in fluctuation while I change medications, I realize suicidal thoughts are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them, but oh how I want to. Now before you call the police and try to locate where I am because I am making you think I am going to off myself, you need not worry. After my last attempt at suicide and a hospital stay I vowed that I would always give myself 24 hours before following through with my feelings BECAUSE it is just that - a feeling. It has never failed that at the 24 hour mark I am either

busy with other thoughts or I give myself another 24 hours.

I am stubborn and sometimes wallow in my misery and self hate all the while keeping a smile and my face and speaking with others in a positive manner. I do not want too many people to know how weak I am.

Tomorrow is Christmas which means food, our Christmas will be celebrated on Monday as all my children and grand child will be gathered under one roof. Lots of food. My number one enemy FOOD

While my thoughts take me on the downward spiral, I shall sign off and count each hour until I reach the 24th hour.

I know what I need to do, humble myself and throw my self at the good Lord's feet and cry out. Believe it or not right now it is a very difficult thing to do.

Good Night to those who might stumble upon this blog. Good Night and Merry Christmas.

The hope that you have prayed for has finally arrived

Some times it is hard to face our demons. In order to get healthy it is something we must do. What happens when I have to face a demon and do not want to? That is right... reach for those carbs or those sugar foods. That was my day yesterday. Today I return to letting God take care of all those feelings as He handles it a lot better than food, shopping or any other path we take besides dealing with what needs to be dealt with.

I was rereading (always a good thing to do) the part of the book that I have all ready been through and this passage caught my eye (not sure why it didn't the first time)

"Ask yourself this question: Are you willing, if even for a moment to consider the possibility that God can outwit your insanity?" If you feel on your own you simply cannot stop waging war against your self - a war that if unabated could eventually kill you - then allow yourself to surrender to a fervent hope and to feel if even for a moment, that the hope you have prayed for has finally arrived."

After years of self hatred, dieting, self hatred, dieting, self hatred... well you get the point. Can there really be hope? Can I really totally surrender food to God? What happens when I fail - where do I go then?

"Remembering this Divine truth- that love is who you are- is key to your healing, for your relationship to food in an area where your nervous system has lost the memory of its Divine intelligence. As you remember your own Divine truth, the cells of your body will remember theirs."

You mean - I am love? I am not a failure who can not look a thin person in the eye? Or understand how a person can exercise day after day and heat healthy day after day - year after year? Or who tries to hide their widening girth behind larger and larger sizes of clothes?

"By getting back to the truth of who you really are, you will get to a place where all your problems with weight have disappeared."

Too hard to even fathom - can it be true? Can I even get back to the truth of who I really am or has all these years of self hatred, self loathing gotten too good of a grip?

"The consciousness of the human race is dominated by fear which has coalesced in your life in the form of a particular behavioral problem: compulsive overeating."

FEAR - I ask in the name of God to deliver me from the fear that my self worthlessness is too embedded in my soul to be rooted out by His love.

"Dear God, Please free me from false appetites and take away my pain. Take me from my compulsive self, and show me who I am. Dear God, Please give me a new beginning. Unchain my heart so I might live a freer life at last. Amen"

As I prayed that prayer and though of my recent behaviors I realize that my self loathing can go from one compulsive habit to another, Food, shopping, etc. When I give up my fear to God and not use food to replace it I must remember to see the other signs of me using something else in place of food. This means I have not totally surrendered.

Lord - Thank-you that you are all powerful and that you reign in the heavenly places. I praise your name. I am in awe and reverence of your Name. I ask Lord that your will be done in my life today - just as if I was in the heavenly places. Give me today Lord your strength and power to be healthy - to submit my fear - to let my fear be replaced by the bread of your word Thank-you for forgiving me. Let me forgive instead of eat. Keep me Lord form using food or other false appetites. For your Lord is the kindom, the power and the glory forever. Amen

Forward and 1st part of Introduction

In Billy Graham's book The Journey he uses the Bible text O Lord.... if you will grant success to the journey on which I have come. ~ GENESIS 24:42

I read through the Forward and Introduction chapters from the first word to the last only stopping to under line about every other sentence.

If I shared all that I underlined I would type the whole first 2 chapters and probably charged for plagiarism lol SO I will share a few points and what action I am taking to incorporate them into my life.

Forward by Dean Ornish M.D.

• When you change your lifestyle, you change your genes
• There is even a deeper, root cause that powerfully affects our lifestyle choices and that is the separation from who we really are.
• The real epidemic is not just obesity.... it's loneliness, depression and isolation
• These behaviors (overeating, drinking, working too hard etc.) are ADAPTIVE because they help get us through the day, they numb our emotional pain
• Awareness is the first step

I want to stop here and let you know my anxiety is soaring through the roof just writing this... I have headed towards food several times but have stopped and prayed, "Lord food can not comfort me - only you can. Take away my anxiety. I wish I could say there was a miracle and my anxiety disappeared (I have prayed similar prayers and they have been answered. I believe He knows what is best for me) I believe this anxiety is caused by knowing I have to deal with issues and it is easier to shove them down.

• Willpower is just another way of saying you are forcing yourself to do something that is not sustainable
• What is sustainable are love, joy, pleasure and freedom

Stopping again ~I will have to figure out the best way to share the part about intimacy and trust. I will share that in my next post.

• Prayer and meditation allow us to access our inner wisdom ( I believe God grants us wisdom when we ask)

Before I go to the Introduction chapter I will share how I have incorporated what I learned.

I prayer GENESIS 24:42 every morning and evening

I realize that loneliness, depression and isolation are my epidemic

I need awareness as to why

I do not depend on will power (more on that later)

Prayer and meditation are required on this journey

INTRODUCTION (first part)

The 21 lessons are to retrain your consciousness in the area of weight. The principles that guide these lessons are:

• Your body is neutral - it causes nothing; it is completely an effect
• Your mind is cause, body effect. The cause of your excess weight is in your mind
• Fear is in your mind and blocks love
• Fear expresses itself as subconscious urges, which then express themselves as either excessive and/or unhealthy eating habits and/or the lack of exercise. The result is excess weight - will only be permanently and fundamentally healed when the fear is rooted out.

It is true - my body has not caused my fluffy body, stretched out skin, or the 75 extra lbs of fat my body carries. My mind is heavy with fear, loneliness, depression and isolation. It weighs a hundred times more than my body and the weight is felt on my soul.

Until tomorrow - pray to your higher power to strengthen you on this journey. Walk with me - go buy the book, lets get this monkey off our back once and for all!!!

That was then and this is now

Little back ground on myself... I have struggle with weight since childhood. I remember the instant I knew I was bigger than most, I remember the first time I hid while eating, I remember the first time I purged, I can also remember the first time I wanted to kill myself because of my weight, I can not remember all the ways I have tried to loose weight as they are in the hundreds.

I handle life with smiles and laughter, no one but those who might happen upon this blog knows the deep pain my weight causes because you see for me my weight is not just about extra food and no exercise. If that is all it was I would have been thin long ago. My weight is about what is buried deep within my soul. This is my journey.... to unbury it, deal with it and become free of the urge to use food as my salve.

Almost two years later and still no luck

I have had enough! That is what I said to myself as the scale crept up another lb. So now what? A week later my fat self was strolling through the $200 dollar store (Sams Club) and I spotted the book, A Course in Weight Loss 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. Just what I am looking for! I subconsciously told myself that this would not be a book that ended up with the pile of dusty weight loss book piled in the corner with tears of defeat splattered on their pages.

My plan is to journal my way through the book. What I learn about myself and my failures and successes during this journey.