Shame, Discouragement, Failure

I fell off the wagon so to speak.... No I didn't binge, didn't purge.... I weighed myself. I haven't weighed myself for over a year. I knew the pounds were creeping up, I knew my clothes were fitting tighter, but until I saw the number on the scale.......

I have not picked up my Bible or the book (21 Spiritual Lessons) since.

What I did do was retreat back to my habitual, downward spiral of dark thoughts. The more I focus on how much I hate and despise my weakness the more I listen to the demons in my head. The demons take over, gloating that I have once again failed, shouting that I am worthless, agreeing and emphasizing that I can not and will not tolerate becoming the extremely over weight person that I once was.

I begun to crave, not chocolate but the sweet peace of death.

Now mind you I am VERY familiar with these thoughts. I have half heartily tried to kill myself many times over since I was 16 - I am now 48. I full heartily attempted twice. We won't get into the details but I totally believe that demons enter my soul when I crave death like one craves a cold glass of water on a scorching summer day.

I realize that my depression is in fluctuation while I change medications, I realize suicidal thoughts are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them, but oh how I want to. Now before you call the police and try to locate where I am because I am making you think I am going to off myself, you need not worry. After my last attempt at suicide and a hospital stay I vowed that I would always give myself 24 hours before following through with my feelings BECAUSE it is just that - a feeling. It has never failed that at the 24 hour mark I am either

busy with other thoughts or I give myself another 24 hours.

I am stubborn and sometimes wallow in my misery and self hate all the while keeping a smile and my face and speaking with others in a positive manner. I do not want too many people to know how weak I am.

Tomorrow is Christmas which means food, our Christmas will be celebrated on Monday as all my children and grand child will be gathered under one roof. Lots of food. My number one enemy FOOD

While my thoughts take me on the downward spiral, I shall sign off and count each hour until I reach the 24th hour.

I know what I need to do, humble myself and throw my self at the good Lord's feet and cry out. Believe it or not right now it is a very difficult thing to do.

Good Night to those who might stumble upon this blog. Good Night and Merry Christmas.